Apparently I don't update my blerg enough. BUT MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

And today was new. Head above water with the shackles sinking by themselves, down deep where the absence of sun kept me pale. being pushed by the wakes and currents I'm treading water. I can see the shore this time. but it feels less like "the"shore and more like "a" shore. You'll paddle over in you're white rowboat, the oars cracking against the hulls, and pull me aboard. from there all I can see is the thousand shores, but i wont matter because you'll be wrapping me in blankets, wiping hair out of my eyes and I won't be able to concentrate on anything else.

... we'll row back slowly.

The challenge approaches. Inked into my spine; between the disks and vertebrae that keep me aligned. I'm at the ledge and before me is an obstacle course spaning far and wide; left to right, up and down, front ways, back ways, taunting me like a Wonka elevator. The ledge crumbles and I float up, each carrying me towards the steel fan on the ceiling. Up and up I go, floating, drifting, speeding towards the graveyard. A small release:"pop". I sink. Back to the comfort of the ground. Next a belch. challenge complete. Another. Another. Another... the relief of sinking shocks me into a paralyzing fear of heights.  So here I am suspended between fear and the lack of. Is this my normal? The stress spreds me thinner than dough raked over sandpaper, and the calm makes me slower than the blob of unused frozen dough in the icechest. "you're young" they say. "It's a balance" they say. So Santa, I know what I want for Chanukah, a science grade scale.

home

"Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible."
-David Mitchell

Power.



Time.



Gravity.



Love.

lay down with me

In movies, where the world is in peril and explosions seem to happen for no reason, Im at that point in the explosion when the frames of the film speed up and the actions seem to slowdown, magnifying each detail, each bit of debris, every strand of hair that is being blown forward from impact pressure. And in this moment, we hear a hollow sound, viewing the world through deaf ears, with the occasional treat of hearing the flap of a birds wings or a misplaced gust of wind. Time slowed just long enough for a hike, a daydream or a passing fancy, but like all movies, that time is precious. The next thing we know, the whirr of frames slows; clicks down to normal speed; the booms and crackles make themselves known and fire consumes everything in its path. If you're lucky enough to escape the fire, watch for the high speed chases and stray bullets, because if you want to stay alive, let's hope you've been painted as the hero.

I saw the strangest thing yesterday while out adventuring; a gathering of rocks, each covered in bird seed, an apple and an uncooked egg. Completely dumbfounded.

Je suis fatigue. Je veux tout. Je veux toi. Dans la matin ma vie est calme, immobile et silencieux. marcher agilement à travers le jour où tout s'accélère et je me perds dans la masse. Je peux faire les choses que je dois faire, mais pas les choses que je veux. Vous Parlez "ce la vie", mais que faire si je ne veux pas que? oui, j'ai pris la décision de l'exécutif de s'enfuir à Paris, en Afrique ou en Nouvelle-Zélande ou à New York ou en Australie ou en Thaïlande ou en Grande-Bretagne ou en Allemagne ou en Grèce ou ... Ici je vais!

Pardon ma Francais.

The cold steel of the foothold grazed my fingertips, one after the other. Rung after rung, ascending up the tree, breathing in the bark and dried moss that grew on my natural ladder. Twenty feet. Thirty feet. Forty feet. The higher branches loom above but my gaze drifts to the right. A tight wire. Bound steel suspended between me and my plateau. One foot on the wire, then the other. One at a time my fingertips leave the safety of my home tree. The confidence in my balance clouds. Sliding the right foot, then the left. I feel unsafe. A breeze comes through the trees and it feels like I’m being pushed back by an invisible hand. My arms flail; jolts of fear shoot up my spine but I find my  balance. “I will not fall” I say to myself. Shoulders stack over hips; hips stack over bent knees and I breath in. As the breath fills my lungs the world muffles it’s self all I can hear is the hiss of air escaping through my pursed lips. I shut my eyes and disappear away from the trees. Slide the right foot, then the left. I unfurl my wings, it’s too nice a day to sit in he trees being scared. Slide the right foot, then the left. It’s so bright in the sky, doing barrel rolls to escape the heat. Slide the right foot, then the left. It’s time to go home to the trees, I’ll miss the sea air. Slide the right foot, then the left. I open my eyes. In front of me is the plateau. Clipped in and back to the edge. “One, Two, Three, go!”. Gravity is suspended, then a jerk of the rope and I’m a bird once again, soaring through the trees, speeding towards the other birds.

Flip through my  pages, Babe. Explore my script. Leave watermarks. Stay up late reading me, your head under the covers balancing me in one hand, your flashlight in the other. Dog ear your favorite pages. Feel my words. Swim in your opinions of the pages. Read past the cover leaflets that summarize the story. This text  doesn’t mean to give you paper cuts or tire your eyes. Not all the characters in this story are good and mine might make you mad, infuriate you, make you throw this book across the room. But please dust it off; pick it up and try to continue. Put me on your shelf with your favorites. Let it be your secret story. Don’t lend me. And above all, if my story makes it this far, read me over and over, like the old friend that curls up to you and warms you from the inside out; because you’ll get to a point in the thousands of words and phrases and plot lines when you realize you’ve been inked into the pages; my pages.

So Blue eyes, check me out of the library, take me home, read me, and feel free to make me overdue.

Hurricane Sandy

The days are long, the nights are short, and I seem to get tossed between them like the hurricane that devastates the east coast. My life is starting to feel like a string of decisions, one harder than the next, choosing between the things  I love and the things I need. I have my constants, my beautiful blue eyed constant, my strong solemn constant, my craze-balls constant, The constants that inspire me to put one foot in front of the other through intense heat and billowing storms; but still I have the hanging weary sagged shoulders of decision making. So what it comes down to is how hard I'm willing to trudge through the quicksand in my fire swamp. Whenever someone says to me their life is hard, generally I find a nice way of saying "suck it up, it could be worse." so maybe instead of letting my nose slip below the lip of the sand, I can churn it to glass, and shatter free. Tip-toeing on the scale seems to be the only option, but I know better than Indiana; you can't trick the scale with a bag of pebbles to meet my desires.

"If you are going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill

Today I ran my face into a gurney trying to pick it up... it's going to be a long week. 

Dear Gym,
I know I've been getting by on just running and cardio and have been using the excuse that I'm trying to trim fat. And remember when you told me to do squats and build my leg back and core muscles and I didn't listen? Well I'm sorry, you were right; smacking my face into the gurney was less than fun. I'll be there tomorrow to start with my work out... for my whole body :(

P.S. be gentle.

It hurts.

So I have a friend, she has her moments, she has her problems; we all do, can't fault her for that. We call each other best friends, we say "I love you" and we lean on each other when we need too. The catch? She lies to me, over and over and over again. Each lie reminds me of a girl who looked up to her and did the same thing to me years ago. Because they are always lies for attention and lies to save her reputation; she's so caught up in her lies that the fold on themselves and leaves everyone in their wake. Her oldest friends warned me but I chose not to listen, thinking "I'm different, she would never do to me what she did to them". I mean, how could she? we love each other right? Then again she loves them too...

I've learned you can not change people, but you can change yourself. But how much should I change for her? I'll never stop hating lies, and i'm not willing to pay that price... so what next?

Swoops from Ash

World series vs. Elections vs. Homework

Having to choose... and then having to listen to all the bullshit from all of them... Go GIANTS!(giants won the vote)

change of perspective

You know, It took me a long time to realize that the world that I live in doesn't revolve around the 9-5 and the paid vacations, and the white picket fence. What I've come to realize is that if I were to pick up and leave for 5 day or a month that I would remember those moments as happy and free. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning on pulling a Into the Wild anytime soon, but i'm realizing that I am not my school, or my job, the music i listen to, the books i read, or the pieces of paper that tell people I went to school. But instead I am my choices and my fears. I choose not to be afraid of being behind a desk for the rest of my life. I choose to be proactive. I choose to take sundays for laying around doing nothing and then spend breakfast in France. Because I've lived in an amazing city for my whole life, and even though each street feels like home and I have a pull from that comfort zone, it's time to step out, one toe at a time into the cool waters of the Atlantic and pull each fistful of water behind me, with fresh eyes, with friends and with love to keep me afloat.

Song of the day

For all those who are in the prime of your youth... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-2dqMaf4-w

Map to my heart

And revert to re-reading the classics...

Midterms...

Today, I got a job as an EMT! Ecstatic beyond measure. I can ride out the first rains of the year under the stars and a feeling of reverie.

Lion's share

New beginnings

"I'm not sure how I feel about posting things on the internet" went through my mind as I considered starting a blog... but I have a Facebook, so that internal argument was short lived. I wanted something anonymous where I could expose all the side of myself. The ones that I chose; without having to think twice about what people like or not. So perhaps, I can feel free, and let down my mask, and refrain from being weepy, because regardless of my mask, that is just not an appealing state for me.